Today, not unlike many other days, I feel like a colossal failure. As a wife, a mom, a daughter and a friend. I realize that I am my own worst critic. I replay past mistakes over and over and over again. I cannot seem to cut myself any slack whatsoever. I know in my head that Jesus has forgiven my failures. Thrown them into the Sea of Forgetfulness. Like they never existed. Gone. Yet in my heart, I still feel like the world's biggest screw-up.
Here is merely a small sampling of my "Geez, can you believe this chick?" moments from the past week. It's okay--you can laugh
What failure sounds like...
- Me yelling at my kids for yelling at each other. Duh!
- The constant television noise that entertains my children so I can Facebook, blog, cook, talk on the phone or shower in peace. If only it were effective.
- My five-year old son telling me that my room is a gigantic mess. Sadly, he's right.
What failure looks like...
- Having to continuously get clothes and pajamas out of the dryer for my kids to wear, because they never manage to get folded and put away. As if the dryer is now functioning as a dresser.
- The floor underneath my dining room table. I should think about getting a dog. On second thought...no.
- My husband's face when dinner isn't ready until 7:00. Again.
- The clock, displaying 5:02, when we pull into the church parking lot for 5 pm worship. Late as usual.
What failure smells like...
- My two-year old's diaper, every time I change it and remind myself that she is still not potty trained.
- The fridge. Something in there would make one heck of a science experiment.
- My van when I finally found the missing fish fillet I bought at the grocery, mistakenly assumed the bagger forgot to put into my cart, and discovered had actually slid under the seat. Three days later. Uggh!
What failure tastes like...
- Salty tears shed in private because the role of "mom" seems far too overwhelming at times.
- My foot, each time I open my mouth and have to put it in there. Which happens multiple times a
weekday. When will I learn to keep it shut?!
- Candy. I honestly think my kids have eaten more candy than vegetables this week and that just doesn't happen around here. Not on my watch, anyways.
What failure feels like...
- A warm bed when I should have gotten up instead of turning off the alarm.
- The couch. Shouldn't I be at the Y on a treadmill doing a Couch to 5K program today?
- The emotional and physical distance that is present in a marriage that has been put on the back burner for far too long.
- A blog post, that I worked so hard to write, with no comments and barely any page views.
What about you? What does failure feel like to you? Can you relate to any of these?
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